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Nuvolari
- Watchlord WIS
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- Joined: August 7th 2014, 5:53pm
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A Cathartic Rant & Riddle Without An Answer
I have retracted a bit from the outside world so, I suppose I post this simply to vent. I am an optimistic guy… but I am… feeling a bit withdrawn.
Today was the beginning of my last three week chemo cycle which, contrary to the naming, is not “the best way to get around town”.
I’ll be glad to be done. And I’m grateful to have made it this far as our grand plans had anticipated could happen. And why not, right? Then surgery beckons…I fucking DREAD that, but… it IS part of the program. So, really, all in all good news!
But here’s the background for the uncomfortably melancholy riddle:
A very close friend who I worked with at a couple different firms over the course of 30 years had, it turns out, cancer… before I did. Later, when, for me it became “me too”, she was soooo cool about helping me understand what to expect along the way with things like the scans and chemo. And as radiation loomed over me she absolutely walked me through the bigger picture from a patient’s perspective so it would be just slightly less foreign to me
Beautiful, smart, funny - italiana! I just love her - our birthdays are a week apart and we used to get together for champagne annually, then less… and, life interrupted! So there were some gaps.
So, we recently made a pack that once we were both off the chemo - with both of us to having a little extra to time to recover a bit… we would meet up for champagne. Finally!
Mid-October… which is coming up!
However, I have received the painful news my hilarious firecracker “girlfriend”, Catherine, has had to postpone our planned get together because she no longer has boundless energy after passing away on Monday.
I am so heartbroken. My heart hurts also for her husband a great guy and calming force in her life. He graduated from my alma mater Our baby Emily’s middle name was happily plagiarized from Catherine.
We all worked together and over the years enjoyed each others company and had many laughs, smiles, concerts, 49ers games, big birthday parties for both of them.
That was all before we knew we were young…
The riddle, after all that - is this:
It is part of the plan that I am now a bit anemic due to the heavy loss of red blood cells which, really, is part of the plan. One of the shitty parts. But, still… it’s the plan. And today I just loaded up with an infusion of even more chemicals and tomorrow starts the additional 8-pill daily regiment of additional chemo. If I’m honest it leaves even a wiry and energetic gentleman rather tired and lethargic. And pretty damn nauseous.
But, really, fucking tired. For now the nausea can be addressed with medicine… but the tired is just… what? I forget. I don’t know if I said anything… I’m kind of tired.
So… what kind of friend am I - to this fabulous woman that I earnestly profess to love - if I can’t get my sorry bitch ass through the notoriously awful Bay Area traffic about 50 miles south to San Jose?
To think I used to do it daily- over 100 miles/day - and then I’d drive all over town to call on my territory. In the hop’d up 911. I must have been out of my mind!
I will have to see how it goes. There is a something on Sunday at the mortuary - and everyone is going to wear 49er garb. I have none. For any stick-and-ball sports teams.
But there is a mass on Monday at 11:00. And I would be much more comfortable in a more formal setting where I can dress to show respect, pray privately, and say hello to the people I do know…
And then slip away.
It would be important to not throw up, pass out/nap, be exposed to sun… but it’s not clear how viable this may be…
I feel so guilty.
Because, really, it feels stupid to work so hard to say goodbye - we weren’t even able to enjoy a final moment of joy as friends but now that it’s too late I can climb mountains to demonstrate futility?
I guess I can send flowers and a thoughtful note… but it seems almost disrespectfully lazy for someone who cared.
Then again… out of what will likely be 300-400 people, the only one I give a damn about already knew how I felt but she is gone now.
So what’s the fucking point. It feels performative… maybe I say a prayer in private and forgo the hero-y nonsense.
Right now, there is now answer.
But I’m not sure if I’m more sad or more angry. I miss my friend.
Today was the beginning of my last three week chemo cycle which, contrary to the naming, is not “the best way to get around town”.
I’ll be glad to be done. And I’m grateful to have made it this far as our grand plans had anticipated could happen. And why not, right? Then surgery beckons…I fucking DREAD that, but… it IS part of the program. So, really, all in all good news!
But here’s the background for the uncomfortably melancholy riddle:
A very close friend who I worked with at a couple different firms over the course of 30 years had, it turns out, cancer… before I did. Later, when, for me it became “me too”, she was soooo cool about helping me understand what to expect along the way with things like the scans and chemo. And as radiation loomed over me she absolutely walked me through the bigger picture from a patient’s perspective so it would be just slightly less foreign to me
Beautiful, smart, funny - italiana! I just love her - our birthdays are a week apart and we used to get together for champagne annually, then less… and, life interrupted! So there were some gaps.
So, we recently made a pack that once we were both off the chemo - with both of us to having a little extra to time to recover a bit… we would meet up for champagne. Finally!
Mid-October… which is coming up!
However, I have received the painful news my hilarious firecracker “girlfriend”, Catherine, has had to postpone our planned get together because she no longer has boundless energy after passing away on Monday.
I am so heartbroken. My heart hurts also for her husband a great guy and calming force in her life. He graduated from my alma mater Our baby Emily’s middle name was happily plagiarized from Catherine.
We all worked together and over the years enjoyed each others company and had many laughs, smiles, concerts, 49ers games, big birthday parties for both of them.
That was all before we knew we were young…
The riddle, after all that - is this:
It is part of the plan that I am now a bit anemic due to the heavy loss of red blood cells which, really, is part of the plan. One of the shitty parts. But, still… it’s the plan. And today I just loaded up with an infusion of even more chemicals and tomorrow starts the additional 8-pill daily regiment of additional chemo. If I’m honest it leaves even a wiry and energetic gentleman rather tired and lethargic. And pretty damn nauseous.
But, really, fucking tired. For now the nausea can be addressed with medicine… but the tired is just… what? I forget. I don’t know if I said anything… I’m kind of tired.
So… what kind of friend am I - to this fabulous woman that I earnestly profess to love - if I can’t get my sorry bitch ass through the notoriously awful Bay Area traffic about 50 miles south to San Jose?
To think I used to do it daily- over 100 miles/day - and then I’d drive all over town to call on my territory. In the hop’d up 911. I must have been out of my mind!
I will have to see how it goes. There is a something on Sunday at the mortuary - and everyone is going to wear 49er garb. I have none. For any stick-and-ball sports teams.
But there is a mass on Monday at 11:00. And I would be much more comfortable in a more formal setting where I can dress to show respect, pray privately, and say hello to the people I do know…
And then slip away.
It would be important to not throw up, pass out/nap, be exposed to sun… but it’s not clear how viable this may be…
I feel so guilty.
Because, really, it feels stupid to work so hard to say goodbye - we weren’t even able to enjoy a final moment of joy as friends but now that it’s too late I can climb mountains to demonstrate futility?
I guess I can send flowers and a thoughtful note… but it seems almost disrespectfully lazy for someone who cared.
Then again… out of what will likely be 300-400 people, the only one I give a damn about already knew how I felt but she is gone now.
So what’s the fucking point. It feels performative… maybe I say a prayer in private and forgo the hero-y nonsense.
Right now, there is now answer.
But I’m not sure if I’m more sad or more angry. I miss my friend.
”Russian Warship - Go Fuck Yourself!”
