Watchlords

For all the bogans and whoever else had some mild curiosity over our often imperfect adoption of English common law I offer the following from The Onion the Global Tetrahedron Group:

https://theonion.com/heres-why-i-decide ... -infowars/

...
All told, the decision to acquire InfoWars was an easy one for the Global Tetrahedron executive board.

Founded in 1999 on the heels of the Satanic “panic” and growing steadily ever since, InfoWars has distinguished itself as an invaluable tool for brainwashing and controlling the masses. With a shrewd mix of delusional paranoia and dubious anti-aging nutrition hacks, they strive to make life both scarier and longer for everyone, a commendable goal. They are a true unicorn, capable of simultaneously inspiring public support for billionaires and stoking outrage at an inept federal state that can assassinate JFK but can’t even put a man on the Moon.
...

Of course nothing is ever that simple.
https://apnews.com/article/alex-jones-i ... 416ff5afa8


Regardless of how it eventually shakes out I'm going to hoist some single malt in celebration of The Onion's Bryce P. Tetraeder's courageous announcement of this date.

Can’t go down without a whine…

A story my brother related to me some years ago:

About a month after 9/11, he was taking the train into the city to his job in the Loop, and noticed a guy across the aisle reading a copy of The Onion. On the back page was a fake ad for a furniture store, with the headline "Join Us For Our Stuff-a-Daisycutter-Up-Osama-bin-Laden's-Ass Blowout Sale!" My brother said it was the first time in a month that he laughed out loud.

Alex Who?

Did he end up paying $100 trillion to the families or not? And does that mean I won the bet or not?

jason_recliner wrote: ↑

December 4th 2024, 2:19am

Alex Who?

Did he end up paying $100 trillion to the families or not? And does that mean I won the bet or not?

As of right now the Sandy Hook families haven't received a dime from Jones. I think that means I won the bet but I don't actually remember the terms all that well apart from it involving alcoholic beverages with the only specific exclusion being that Purple Death stuff out of Sappich, New Zealand.

The auction was supposed to be the first break in jarring loose some funds but only had two bidders: The Onion and a company controlled by Jones further complicated by the plaintiffs assisting The Onion by dropping a portion of their award. Jones threw a fit and now a judge is reviewing the validity of The Onion's rather complicated offer actually being the high bid after it had been awarded to The Onion. It remains in stasis as of right now. To the surprise of absolutely no one Elon has stuck his dick into the stew.

https://www.msnbc.com/top-stories/lates ... rcna181809

I'm not sure how it would impact the world's longest running wager but the Sandy Hook families are evidently throwing in better than 2.5 million to juice The Onion's bid just so they can watch the website burn and be reborn, phoenix like, as a right wing parody and new media home of Everytown for Gun Safety. The alternative is Jones buying it back from his own bankruptcy auction and proceeding as though nothing ever happened.

Or, in the words of Global Tetrahedron:

“We thought it would be a very funny joke if we bought this thing, probably one of the better jokes we’ve ever told,” Collins said. “The (Sandy Hook) families decided they would effectively join our bid, back our bid, to try to get us over the finish line. Because by the end of the day, it was us or Alex Jones, who could either continue this website unabated, basically unpunished, for what he’s done to these families over the years, or we could make a dumb, stupid website, and we decided to do the second thing.”

conjurer wrote: ↑

December 3rd 2024, 7:37pm

A story my brother related to me some years ago:

About a month after 9/11, he was taking the train into the city to his job in the Loop, and noticed a guy across the aisle reading a copy of The Onion. On the back page was a fake ad for a furniture store, with the headline "Join Us For Our Stuff-a-Daisycutter-Up-Osama-bin-Laden's-Ass Blowout Sale!" My brother said it was the first time in a month that he laughed out loud.

Fortunately we are now on the cusp of reliving those days when The Onion broadsheet entertained bus and subway commuters across the nation. New generations will now carry memories of such classics as The Onion's 1969 headline "Holy Shit Man Walks On Fucking Moon".

https://thehill.com/homenews/media/4831 ... t-edition/

Edited to add: To no one's surprise I signed up for the print edition and am happy to report that the process lacks none of panache we've come to expect from America's Finest News Source.

This being only one example where we break from the usual boring sign up process:

A Toast To Your Redeemable Qualities

In order to have made it here, we strongly suspect you have at least one of the following qualities:
A wisdom sought out by leaders and scholars
An indomitable will that can’t be broken
A sexual allure that no man or woman can resist.
A thirst for knowledge that can’t be quenched
A working credit card
A friendship with a sass-mouth raccoon that craves adventure

The Onion Membership Team

I reemember when winning an auction meant the auctioned item went to the highest bidder.

The judge felt there was a lack of transparency in the bidding and that the final bid was too low despite the plaintiffs willingness to accept it.

The judge claimed he did not want another auction but offered no clue as to a road forward for the dissolution of Info Wars. Meantime, the plaintiffs get nothing and Jones stays at the helm.

I don't recall reading that a reserve had been set. Talk about a lack of transparency, "judge". And justice.

3Flushes wrote: ↑

December 21st 2024, 7:10pm

I reemember when winning an auction meant the auctioned item went to the highest bidder.

The judge felt there was a lack of transparency in the bidding and that the final bid was too low despite the plaintiffs willingness to accept it.

The judge claimed he did not want another auction but offered no clue as to a road forward for the dissolution of Info Wars. Meantime, the plaintiffs get nothing and Jones stays at the helm.

I don't recall reading that a reserve had been set. Talk about a lack of transparency, "judge". And justice.

<<final bid was too low despite the plaintiffs willingness to accept it>>

What that actual fuck is going on here!!?

It reminds me of the time a judge advised me I could NOT waive time (6th amendment) because the COURT was also entitled to a speedy trial.

I thought once Mr. Greenjeans passed that the Captain Kangaroo Courts would be shut down, too… but I would be as wrong as that biased adjudicator.

I know that in real estate a seller accepting an offer way below appraisal would raise red flags at the mortgage office. Same as if the buyer puts in an offer way over appraisal; unless they say they are willing to pay the difference in cash.

Something fishy about the deal; hopefully more details emerge.

I don't understand the logic of buying the website just to shut it down. Like the head of the hydra, another will pop up.

Sure, but the lender’s process is fairly straight forward: for value they will use the ‘lowest of’ either the appraised value -or- the purchase price. Ain’t no free lunch or non-cash equity.

After all, this was an auction where a bid was submitted on a shit distribution apparatus of low market interest with no reserve. Why would the judge interfere with that process? Who gives a crap that he thinks it may be worth more? The auction’s bidding audience has spoken and they tell a different story.

I agree, something hinky.

First, doesn’t the Onion execs/board of directors have fiduciary duty? The assets of Infowars are going to be worth zero or so unless they intend to keep servicing the same readership.


So just throwing away money to make a big cosmic joke, with dough that could, for instance, be distributed to shareholders or put to profitable efforts.


Second, the Sandy Hook families, all of them, throwing in all their award? Did their lawyers throw in their share? Defies belief that they could gain unanimity on this.


And real estate on internet is free, Jones just skips off and starts another site, InfoWarts etc, his constituency is going to know where to find him and none will give a shit what Onion does to old site.


Whole thing just made no sense to me.