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Night Before WIS-mas - A Holiday Poem
By boscoe with apologies to Clement Clark Moore
'Twas the night before WISmas, when all through the forums
Not creature was talking about Edox or Corums
The factoids were all posted by the Moderators with care
In hopes that The Lalo soon would be there
Houst-Zin was nestled all snug in his bed
He'd wake up tomorrow with a hung-over head
And Foggy in his kerchief and Steve in his cap
Had just finished debating if Renato was crap
When out on the Web there arose such a noise
It had to be Rusty and the Cheeseland boyz
Dashing from my desk, I went to their place
The smelliest spot in all cyber-space
I tore open the threads and read the replies
From tatooine, falcone and the other wiseguys
The cheese on the crest of a bright yellow box
Gave a whiff of Gouda and old gym socks
When what to my wondering eyes did appear
But a miniature S-1 with eight Swiss Parts gears
With a silver-tongued devil, so lively and shallow
I knew in a moment, it must be The Lalo
More rapid than FedEx, his minions they came
And he whistled, and hawked, and called them by name
“Now Prowler, SubAqua, Speedway and Diver!
Markdl has a crush on Maria Shriver!
To the top of the sales charts! To the top of TV!
All you suckers send your money to me!
As aged Cheddar on a hot griddle melts,
As dirt vanishes on watch-cleaning felts,
So up and into the forum home page,
Dashed The Lalo intent on spreading his rage
And then in a twinkling, that filled me with dread
The Lalo had opened a General thread
As I reached for delete to chase him away
In he countered deftly with a new Value Pay
He was dressed in all Swiss, including his cap
His clothes were all wrinkled, like he’d just had a nap
A sack full of blather hung on his belt
‘Round his finger he twirled a dried up Mink pelt
His eyes were green and glittered with greed
His mouth kept saying he had things that I need
His spiked up hair was all gooey with jell
He looked like a horologist after a weekend in Hell!
A massive Russian Diver was strapped to his wrist
When I told him no sale, you could tell he was ****ed
He had a weasel-like face and a skinny old belly
All in all, he was really quite smelly!
He was shrewd and calculating, a right slick old elf
I decided to buy – in spite of myself!
With the wink of an eye, and free shipping, too
He tried to convince me I wasn’t getting the screw
He spouted strange words, that magically worked
All the while I felt like a jerk
Then raising his hand in a one-finger salute
He told me flat out he don’t give a hoot
He leapt into his S-1, to his minions gave a holler
And away they all raced, taking my very last dollar
Then I heard him exclaim as he went off the air,
“If your watch arrives broken, I really don’t care!”
MERRY WIS-MAS EVERONE!
“Your heart was warm and happy
With the lilt of Irish laughter
Every day and in every way
Now forever and ever after."