Asshole No More!

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conjurer (Online)
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Asshole No More!

Post by conjurer » August 3rd 2013, 1:42pm

I've come to the conclusion that I'm a total asshole--perhaps even verging on being a douchebag--and that I need professional help.  Like the creepy mayor of San Diego, I'm checking myself into the new Asshole No More! clinic in downtown Seattle for what my counselor, Dr. Harry Paratestes, assures me will be a life-changing treatment.
 
I've decided to do this after looking over many, many posts, both here and at other fora, and after speaking to Dr. Paratestes, I'll be entering into a very special 18 Step Program (normally most people only need twelve steps, but Dr. Paratestes said he'd never seen as monumental an asshole as me, so I need half again as many steps.)
 
Anyway, I'll be able to take my computer with me, since the clinic has high-speed internet and I'll need to access all the porn I'm also addicted to.  But that's another story for another day.
 
So wish me well, fellow Lords!  In two weeks I'll be a totally new man!
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Re: Asshole No More!

Post by bedlam » August 3rd 2013, 2:58pm

conjurer wrote:So wish me well, fellow Lords!  In two weeks I'll be a totally new man!

More than just wish you luck conj, I'd like to help. To assist in creating a strong and resilient change in you I recommend a period of verbal abstinence. I think you would be less of an arsehole if you shut the fuck up. I propose that you swear off words for at least a few days and only ever post in a series of images.

I also think some gentle punishment will help generate a sense of contrition to provide added strength of character. To that end I think you should send me your d. freemont as part of the therapeutic process.
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conjurer (Online)
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Re: Asshole No More!

Post by conjurer » August 3rd 2013, 3:09pm

You know, the old conjurer would have told all of you worthless, turd-eating low-life cocksuckers to fuck off and die--but the old conjurer is dead!  Dr. Paratestes will cure me of my assholiness.  Very soon I'll be helping old ladies across the street and perhaps even dropping the odd coin into the cup of a revolting, urine-stained, vomit-inducing fucking hobo homeless person.
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Re: Asshole No More!

Post by Horse Feathers » August 3rd 2013, 3:11pm

Something doesn't smell right !

The only reason people voluntarily admit themselves to a clinic is to impress a judge prior to sentencing

Are we supposed to believe once again that you are turning the other cheek

I'm sure the accommodations are far from being in the bowels of a ship, you admit to cruising the internet and watching first time anal porn (well didn't admit that part but it fits your MO)

We need the hole truth, stop with the oral flatulence

Spill the beans
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Re: Asshole No More!

Post by conjurer » August 3rd 2013, 4:41pm

Ćóńjuręr ąśkęd mę tó rępły tó ąłł quęśtióńś whłlę hę łś łń tręątmęńt.  Śómębódy plęąśę ćąll thę ąuthóritięś ąńd hąvę thęm ćómę ąńd ręłęąśę mę fróm thłś tęrriblę sęrvłtudę, by gółły!
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Re: Asshole No More!

Post by Luftwafflles » August 3rd 2013, 7:16pm

Being an asshole. Liking internet porn. Hmmm... I really see no sign of character flaws. (well, at least for now)
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Re: Asshole No More!

Post by Mark1 » August 3rd 2013, 7:18pm

TemerityB wrote:You tell that Paratestes bastard to toss your salad, then join the rest of us at the VFW for another pickled eggs and Pabst jamboree.

Too many pussies in this world, THAT's the problelm.


+1  Screw the witch doctor, stick with what you're good at.
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Re: Asshole No More!

Post by Mortuus Fakeuus » August 3rd 2013, 7:27pm

Lemme guess, Conj; they finally caught you stalking Susan Boyle's cat, trying to ingratiate yourself to her kitty in the hopes of finally meeting her and engaging in Heineken bottle sex...and so fourth...
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Re: Asshole No More!

Post by conjurer » August 3rd 2013, 7:51pm

Mortuus wrote:Lemme guess, Conj; they finally caught you stalking Susan Boyle's cat, trying to ingratiate yourself to her kitty in the hopes of finally meeting her and engaging in Heineken bottle sex...and so fourth...

 
Yóu ąrę rłght, yóu dąmńęd ółd goat.  Ćóńjuręr łś ą śłćk, hątęfuł bąśtąrd, by gółły!  Óńę tłmę hę stuffed ą Hęłńękęń bóttłę up my hęłńęy, góddąmn łt!!
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Re: Asshole No More!

Post by 3Flushes » August 3rd 2013, 11:40pm

Two men are eating lunch at the Grant Grill, the 5 star restaurant of the U.S. Grant Hotel, frequented by San Diego's Politicos and elite. One guy says to the other: "I think Bob Filner is an asshole!" A gentleman at a table opposite says: Hey! I resent that remark! The guy who made the comment demands!Why! - DID YOU VOTE FOR HIM? And the guy says: "FUCK no, I'm an asshole."

Be proud of who and what you are conj, fuck that Dr., fuck him in the ear I say. Self-acceptance, that's the ticket. (Feel free to PM me, I'd be happy to discuss the fee schedule for my Fuck 'Em Be Yourself Clinic, Workshops and Junkets.)
Last edited by Anonymous on August 3rd 2013, 11:42pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Asshole No More!

Post by Mortuus Fakeuus » August 3rd 2013, 11:41pm

conjurer wrote:
Mortuus wrote:Lemme guess, Conj; they finally caught you stalking Susan Boyle's cat, trying to ingratiate yourself to her kitty in the hopes of finally meeting her and engaging in Heineken bottle sex...and so fourth...

 
Yóu ąrę rłght, yóu dąmńęd ółd goat.  Ćóńjuręr łś ą śłćk, hątęfuł bąśtąrd, by gółły!  Óńę tłmę hę stuffed ą Hęłńękęń bóttłę up my hęłńęy, góddąmn łt!!

Perhaps he did this because you did the old "exploding-ass" on his personal 'thunderbox' when you knew he was coming home, in a hurry to beat his plaguing after-work squirts in the daily race to his one-and-only 'oval office'...only to have to see what you'd done...you're lucky to be alive, Babushka...
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Re: Asshole No More!

Post by svaglic » August 4th 2013, 1:02am

conjurer wrote:
Mortuus wrote:Lemme guess, Conj; they finally caught you stalking Susan Boyle's cat, trying to ingratiate yourself to her kitty in the hopes of finally meeting her and engaging in Heineken bottle sex...and so fourth...

 
Yóu ąrę rłght, yóu dąmńęd ółd goat.  Ćóńjuręr łś ą śłćk, hątęfuł bąśtąrd, by gółły!  Óńę tłmę hę stuffed ą Hęłńękęń bóttłę up my hęłńęy, góddąmn łt!!


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Re: Asshole No More!

Post by JAS1125 » August 4th 2013, 3:46am

fatman wrote:I am glad to see this happen because I like the kitten avatar.

I think Stash will do just fine filling your shoes for a few days. He has that fancy writing keyboard and all.


Might I suggest this as a new avatar....not so drastic as the kitty, but not as blatant as your current one of the esteemed Mr. Hopper.


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Source...

http://www.cracked.com/article_17080_8-humiliating-japanese-ads-starring-oscar-nominees.html



Which reminds me of the Simpson episode in which Homer's head was used in a Japanese detergent commercial, but I digress....
Last edited by Anonymous on August 4th 2013, 6:44am, edited 1 time in total.
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