What Your TV Watch Says About You

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TemerityB
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What Your TV Watch Says About You

Post by TemerityB » May 19th 2019, 8:05pm

So impressed by jooxii's Reddit post that Racer-X shared with us yesterday, I couldn't resist delving a bit deeper into the sordid, south Florida-led, Chinese-imported world of watches sold on sleazy home shopping networks (Disclaimer: Anyone owning any of these brands here, I don't mean to put your watches down – I don't see GeorgeH or Mort around here, so I'm hoping this will be accepted in the spirit of satire in which it's intended. This one is for the cruisers and the guys with homemade T-shirts stating “Invicta Man.”


What Your TV Watch Brand Says About You


Android/Aragon: You really believe that “Master Wing” walked across hot coals and spent years on Mount Wutai learning how to attach a crown. You like Invicta, too, but Invicta doesn't make many 62mm watches in flaming metallic pink. That Thursday you called Laing in Florida to ask about your broken rubber strap you still recall as “the third best day of my life, after my wedding and meeting Al Hrabosky.”

Ben & Sons: You really wanted a Swiss Legend, but they're too expensive.

Constantin Weisz: Impressed by a brand important enough not to have an official website, you remember a certain Teutonic turd burglar's expertise (“It gleams! It gleams!”) that you know you have to own a watch with real German flair and style. Your favorite vegetable is mushrooms.

Croton: You like your latkes, big, greasy, and served on a napkin. You like your watches inexpensive, disposable, and yet sporty enough that you have the stones to compare your Aquamatic to a Hamilton Khaki. You know the difference between "Japan Movement" and a Japanese watch, but you could give a rat's ass.

Egard: Not only do you find yourself in an eternal man crush over bloated former sci-fi TV series actors (and not just the leads, or even the good shows – even Time Tunnel will do), you're the type of person who gets offended at every political headline or ad campaign, no matter if the subject pertains to you at all – you need something to make the occasional stranger talk to you, after all, and it sure won't be that oversized wannabe MB&F on your wrist that'll make it happen.

Elini Barokas: You really wanted a Lucien Piccard, but they're too expensive.

Invicta: You're not the type of guy who owns a Pro Diver or two – you're the watch hobby equivalent of a cat lady … and you're fucking proud of it. You have underwear made out of spent Invicta Cruise boarding passes; your couch is actually 600 Duct Taped plastic dive cases covered in memory foam; your wife is your right hand. You've ordered and received more than 50 non-functioning watches from the TV, and you're waiting for the next one tomorrow. You're a truly special person, and you're not afraid to call Evine's fan line and let the whole world know it, live and in living yellow.

Jean Marcel: You have a friend in the watch business, even if you have no earthly idea where on the planet where that friend might be.

Jowissa: You buy third-hand used cars and trade them in after two months, and you do it at least four times a year – and you're female.

Lucien Piccard: You really wanted a Lucien Piccard, but you hadn't heard the brand was acquired by the Swiss Legend/SWI combine – and now you have to wear this for the scant few weeks before it craps out.

Red Line/A Line: You really wanted a Ben & Sons, but they're too expensive.

Renato/XOSkelton: You've been caught at least six times frantically masturbating to home shopping network sales spokeswomen. You are totally impressed when watch expert Klongberg Kimboydbanders calls Renato “the highest of the high end” - and you know it's true when you crack open the case and see those real Swiss plastic movement holders. In the case of XOSkelton, hey – do you have a watch with dust from the Cutty Sark in it?

Ritmo Mundo: You consider Shawn Wilsie the perfect choice to be the next James Bond.

Stuhrling Original: You desperately want people think you're wearing a Patek, or a IWC, or a Hamilton or Omega, but when the guy on the subway sees the imprint and literally laughs out loud, you go home and cry yourself to sleep.

Stuhrling Prestige: You pony up for only the best – you WILL pay the extra 75 cents for more hot fudge on your Peanut Buster Parfait.

Swiss Legend: You insist that everything about your new watch is 100 percent Swiss, because it says so – it's right there on the dial, see?

Techno-Marine: You bought your wife one of these 10 years ago and it was a decent enough watch. You bought a new one at Costco two weeks ago and it crapped out after about six days. You will never buy another watch for the rest of your life.

Thomas Earnshaw: Going through a desperate mid-life crisis, you grow your hair down to your shins at the age of 47 and start working out like a banshee every fucking day until your sweat literally becomes gravy. Won't work; you're so unrelentingly weird that even old ladies at the church won't give you the time of day, even with that new “Swiss made” heirloom on your body-waxed wrist.

Vostok-Europe: You list the top men of history as, in order, Lenin, Popeye, and Paul Lynde.
Last edited by TemerityB on May 19th 2019, 9:40pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: What Your TV Watch Says About You

Post by conjurer » May 19th 2019, 10:12pm

TMMLH. The "Teutonic turd burglar" gag still sends me into gales of laughter. However, you left out Ingersoll; a joke about the lisping Brit serial murderer Kevin Evans wouldn't be out of place.
My little brain can't even comprehend how deep that is.

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Re: What Your TV Watch Says About You

Post by TemerityB » May 20th 2019, 11:44am

conjurer wrote:TMMLH. The "Teutonic turd burglar" gag still sends me into gales of laughter. However, you left out Ingersoll; a joke about the lisping Brit serial murderer Kevin Evans wouldn't be out of place.


Oh, man - I've never even seen an Ingersoll presentation. Tell you what, conj - feel free to provide me with a similar overview and I'll be glad to edit it into the original piece. This IS a public service, after all. :wink:

That goes for the rest of ya, too - I'm sure there's brands, alive or dead, I've left out. Wow; I'm just sitting here pondering the freakin' pile of cash that people have spent on this shit. It's really amazing, but in these times, it's really shouldn't be surprising, should it.
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Re: What Your TV Watch Says About You

Post by TemerityB » May 20th 2019, 7:14pm

artman wrote:Last night I saw an episode of Evine TV for the first time in my life. They were pitching a gold plated 54mm Invicta like it was made by Jesus. The callers sounded like they should be screened for being potential serial killers. I couldn't stop laughing.



I guaran-fucking-tee there is a moke out there with a dive case chair. I can't prove it, I just know it's true. I bet his first name is Bob.
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Re: What Your TV Watch Says About You

Post by koimaster » May 21st 2019, 12:34pm

Renato/XOSkelton: You've been caught at least six times frantically masturbating to home shopping network sales spokeswomen. You are totally impressed when watch expert Klongberg Kimboydbanders calls Renato “the highest of the high end” - and you know it's true when you crack open the case and see those real Swiss plastic movement holders. In the case of XOSkelton, hey – do you have a watch with dust from the Cutty Sark in it?



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Re: What Your TV Watch Says About You

Post by koimaster » November 6th 2019, 11:50am

Image

^^^^^^^^^
Did not want to shame this kid for all of the world to see. He looks like he under 21 so there should be warning labels on shit watches. By the way, I have no idea what inflicta POS this is.

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With the lilt of Irish laughter

Every day and in every way

Now forever and ever after."
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Re: What Your TV Watch Says About You

Post by TemerityB » November 6th 2019, 8:40pm

^^^ Looks like a Star Wars fan bought a Star Wars toy/watch.

When I was like, eight, I guess, I bought everything I could find that had Batman on it, since Batman was on TV and I watched every episode. Fans of things tend to buy stuff with their favorite entertainment characters or personalities on them. I read recently that Kiss, the rock band, has made like four times as much money on stuff with their likeness on it than they ever did selling records.

I bet the kid with the honkin' big watch never even heard of Invicter, but I know he heard of Star Wars.
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Re: What Your TV Watch Says About You

Post by Mark1 » November 7th 2019, 9:06pm

Bunch of fucking haterz. I get more ass than a bus seat wearing my Invicter Zeus Dolt Sea Squirrel Venom Coalition Forces Tacticool Aqualung diver.
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