Watchlords

...it looks like it's the opening of some new fleecing season at the Donkeys'. Else, why would they have Benny writing a piece extolling the vintage watch offer at the Donkey Shop? I read it, and I need a bucket. Sure, looks like they've replaced some of the Shop staff, but given Benny the Donkey's "ASSessment" of the Donkey Shop's past "exploits," they really haven't learned all that much. Let's have a look...

Hey guys, Ben here. It's been a minute, I know.

Thank Jove for that minute of hiatus. Less vomit-inducing stuff to read.

But I wanted to take a second today...

Oh, fuck, no.

...to share with you some changes – I believe all for the better – to how HODINKEE handles something that is near and dear to my heart, and the hearts of many of my colleagues here, and certainly you, our readers – vintage watches.

A change from bad to bad ain't a change to good.

Vintage watches are at the very core of this company.

Alas.

They were, after my grandfather's Omega, my first love in mechanical watches, and in many ways, it was the schooling I learned studying vintage watches by myself for those many years that taught me to have the eye that I do in all forms of collecting.

Spending on what someone has pre-authenticated isn't tantamount to having an eye. Besides, what schooling? In being absolutely oblivious to the shit that he's been letting pass through the hands of his muppets at the Shop, right into the hands of unsuspecting moron customers?

...the thing I am most proud of after 12 years of HODINKEE has little to do with the watches themselves, and entirely to do with the home that we've helped build for now millions of people just like us.

More like a skid row for those who can't be bothered to learn on their own, and are dumb enough to think that anyone else will do their research and verification for them.

And having said that, I want you to know that each and every one of these changes we're announcing today is a direct result of listening to you, our dear community.

Why do I not think that that's the case?

So what's happening here? Let's get into it.

In advance, I shall require another bucket, the first one's almost full.

What You See Is What You Get

Only if you really know what to look for and what to observe in what you see.

More vintage watches...

Fuck, no.

...more transparency...

...said the KGB agent to the frosted glass manufacturer.

...more feedback

...because it doesn't hurt to have some more arsewipe, does it?

When we launched our online vintage watches program in 2016...

That far ago? Who would have thought, that'd make four years of them fleecing, and me crusading.

...we wanted to solve the problems of the day...

"by having them replaced with problems of our own design."

dealers requiring you to contact them to inquire about a price, or make a purchase.

Well, that didn't stop you from hyping that sodding lot of 'em every Friday, did it?

People glossing over what was wrong with watches with tricky verbiage. And frankly, a lack of accountability.

Well, fuck, that'd be about right, only you're guilty as hell on both of these charges. Oh my. The next thing you're gonna see is Putin giving a lecture on the virtues of democracy and human rights.

We think we helped push the entire market to be more descriptive and more honest about what a vintage watch really is

No, all you've done is taught them how to lie more efficiently. It's a bit like with that children's bedtime story, "The Boy Who Cried 'Wolf!' " If you lie and lie all the time, eventually no one's gonna believe you. And if you're stoked on lying, perhaps best not use the same lie twice.

...and our "Things To Love" and "Things To Know" on each individual piece – a frank, honest assessment of the good and the bad of each watch – is still something we receive amazing feedback on.

On stating only the obvious? Apparently that feedback's worth as much as those giving it. Zilch.

We've Expanded Our Team

Yeah, well, the usual lot haven't exactly been doing a good job so far.

Since 2016, we've hired more photographers, writers, and experts to help build out the vintage department even further.

Yeah, so much so that it gave me material for - wait for it - 38 rounds of shelling their "exploits." These charlatans and copywriters have let more than enough redials, frankens, and lemons in poor shape make it to the hands of unsuspecting idiots, all with the Donkey Guarantee.

Now helmed by the amazing Logan Baker (ex-WatchTime)

As I can recall, he wrote a shitload of unreadable reviews. How's that for amazing?

Brandon Frazin (ex-Christie's)

Dunno who the feller is. Ex-Christie's could mean that he did some meaningful work there, but it could well mean that he did their PR or copywriting. Or just got dumped by a broad called Christie, and so he's Christie's no longer.

Saori Omura (ex-Antiquorum)

Oh, so the fellow served Romain Rea, the king of top-coin sales of forgeries. Nice.

...you couldn't ask for a better team to ensure the highest quality of watches, storytelling, and service.

Really?

The amount of vetting that every watch goes through by Brandon and Saori is downright remarkable...

I don't think so. Let's look at something recent...
https://shop.hodinkee.com/collections/v ... 0848681035
If it isn't obvious or there's no extract of the archives to be ordered, they just don't bother to do any research on the movement.

They also didn't bother to get photographs of the case back and movement of this Speedmaster...
https://shop.hodinkee.com/collections/v ... 0879770699
...while as per their description of the watch, including the movement serial, they did have it opened.

and everything we sell is backed completely by us.

Oh, that's funny, isn't it? Another guarantee. Exactly what were the Donkey guarantees worth so far?

You'll never be left in the wind should something go wrong. Which, by the way, it can, because these are weird old watches!

"It worked, and now it doesn't!"
"What you see is what you get, pal."

And that's OK.

The rusty, unserviced shit that was on many occasions sold by the Donkey Shop is pretty fucking far from OK.

If something does go wrong, we want you to know our team is behind you, and quite frankly, our entire job is to make you happy. You'll see even more of that to come soon.

His repetitive preaching about "happiness" sounds almost cult-like.

With our expanded team, we've decided to up the quantity and quality of the watches we'll be offering for sale online.

Ehhhh... Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more...

We're doing this because we've listened to you, and the demand is there. In fact, one of the complaints we hear most often is "I want to buy a vintage watch from you, but by the time I get to the shop each Wednesday, they're all sold out." That sucks, and trust us, it's not by design.

Great Scott, their customers really must like getting fucked where the sun don't shine.

But with the level of detail we go into for each piece, it wasn't possible to bring any more watches to market with the level of vetting we insist on.

What level of vetting is that exactly? Or, to be precise, what vetting at all?

Now, with our expanded team, we can. So there will be more watches with greater variety than ever.

Well, that'd mean that Bring a Brain is far from over.

We Want To Hear From You

I doubt that. You've had your Donkey boys trying to defend the shit they were responsible for, and BaB left them deep-fried. Brasserie Bring a Brain recommends menu du jour - roast pillock.

Oh, and on the transparency thing. We know you guys have thoughts. Lots of them. On everything.

Obviously.

And we know you love to get 'em out into the world.

Quite obviously.

So starting today, every time we drop some vintage watches for sale, the comments are on, baby.

Yeah, well, I'll stick to my usual gin joints, 'cause you lot are waterin' the booze down.

The goal here is not to allow a platform for bickering or snide remarks, an inevitability of literally all digital platforms across the world, but rather to engage in meaningful dialogue that pushes the conversation and scholarship of watches forward.

Need some Butthurt Balm?

With the expanded assortment of vintage watches each week, our team of editors will likewise be working on some more vintage-heavy content for you. We know the types of stories you love, and you're gonna be getting a lot of them.

Have Mr. Pennington do that, 'cause I'd just love something to give a damn good thrashing to, like I did with that rubbish Glycine Airman claims in his piece on sterile watches from Kroesen's.

Oh, and don't think because we're upping the game on vintage that anything will change on the modern side of the house. We have some incredible things coming to you very soon. I'd pay close attention to this space on October 27 if I were you …

Whaddaya know, I might, though I ain't buyin' what you're sellin', but I'd love to give it a proper walloping.

Well...I've got the heavy artillery on standby. Who knows, maybe Bring a Brain won't be necessary. A part of me wishes it wasn't, part of me just wants and needs a good reason to write another one. Wanna hit the 40 instalments mark. Don't disappoint me.

Mr. Bloke out.

And the sheep that worship them will buy everything they sell, at a ridiculous premium, for shit that isn't even what they claim.

Is like TV shoppers with a bigger budget.

biglove wrote: ↑

October 23rd 2020, 3:32pm

And the sheep that worship them will buy everything they sell, at a ridiculous premium, for shit that isn't even what they claim.

Is like TV shoppers with a bigger budget.

Good point.

biglove wrote: ↑

October 23rd 2020, 3:32pm

And the sheep that worship them will buy everything they sell, at a ridiculous premium, for shit that isn't even what they claim.

Is like TV shoppers with a bigger budget.

If I recall correctly, they did offer some instalment plan, so that sounds about right, down to ValuePays.