The Donkey Rewind - A Decade of Braying

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MKTheVintageBloke
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The Donkey Rewind - A Decade of Braying

Post by MKTheVintageBloke » December 28th 2019, 2:48pm

As this year and decade will soon end, yours truly would deem it a horrible travesty to pass up on bashing the Donkeys once again. I mean, it would be just so unfair... They have, after all, worked hard enough to make me call them out 36 times. If to count in the times I've called them out on just one instance not warranting a full Bring a Brain, that'd be about 40 times. If not more. Including the wallopings I've posted on WL only, it sums up to something like 45 times. Well, I'm not done yet. I'll be fucked if I am.

Let us have a look at what the Donkeys consider their most popular posts...of the decade.
https://www.hodinkee.com/articles/top-1 ... the-decade
As 2019 draws to a close, we realized something here at HODINKEE HQ: We're completing the first full decade of HODINKEE!
I might mourn that fact over a cup of tea.
rom 2010 through to now, we've been bringing you stories about the most interesting watches, most interesting watch collectors, and most interesting watch makers across the globe.
Yeah, when you weren't doing shameless advertorials, or verbally wanking to a mirror. Which means, like, a film intermission in an endless broadcast of commercials.
So it seemed an appropriate time to round up the top 10 stories from the last 10 years.
Yeah, that's like rounding up 10 Bollywood horrors and binge-watching them. If masochism's your thing, why not?
hese are not our personal favorites or selections by year – no, they're the most viewed stories by raw numbers, and we're going to count them down from 10 to one.
Yeah, right, that's gonna be the click count. Includes people who stopped reading after one sentence.
Without further ado...
That's my line, you cloven-hoof lunkheads!
...let's do this!
Yeah, zip it and get on with it.
10. A Week On The Wrist: The Apple Watch Series 3 Edition (Sept. 2017)
Yeah, naught like reviewing a toy. Did you get it at Toys R Us or Hamleys?
As the first Apple Watch to include cellular technology, the Series 3 was a game-changer for the world's top selling watch toy.
Fixed it for ya.
...but it's Ben's in-depth review of the ceramic Apple Watch Series 3 that has landed at number 10 on this list. It includes an in-depth look at the new features, some thoughts on the Apple Watch's role in culture more broadly, and even some man-on-the-street interviews. This is a fun one and a great way to start this list.
Which means that it includes a wankfest. A wankfest in a wankfest. Fun? Looks like we have very different ideas of what fun is.
Read the full story...
No.
...and watch the video here.
No fucking way.
9. Historical Perspectives: Ten Vintage Watches That Should Be More Expensive Than They Are, And Why (May 2013)
Oh, fuck off.
8. A Week On The Wrist: The Tudor Black Bay GMT (Aug. 2018)
Yeah, some verbiage with a video and pictures of a man making videos and pictures. Boring. The watch is nice, though.
That the video is stunning from start to finish, full of moody California landscapes, only adds to the appeal.
What appeal?
7. In-Depth: The Sale Of Paul Newman's Rolex Daytona, The Most Expensive Wristwatch Ever (Oct. 2017)
Because ending the year without polishing the sausage over the PND would feel so incomplete.
and providing some much-needed context for understanding what this moment meant for everyone reading this right now.
Does nothing need a context, let alone need it much?
6. A Week On The Wrist: The Grand Seiko Spring Drive Snowflake SBGA211 (Oct. 2017)
Not horrible. Well, the watch is nice, but I won't bother to read the whole thing.
5. Reference Points: Understanding The Omega Speedmaster (Nov. 2015)
So, how do you write about understanding something without understanding something? Well, that's how. For what it's worth, both the 105.003 and 105.012 were introduced at the same time, in 1963. Not 1964. So much for the sort of understanding they meant.
4. In-Depth: Twelve Mistakes New Watch Guys Make, And How To Avoid Them (Sept. 2016)
The horror...the horror...horror.
Watch collecting should be fun, but it can also be hard. There is so much to learn and sometimes little mistakes and missteps can have big consequences down the line. In this classic, Ben shares some of the lessons he's learned along the way...
It is truly a classic in bad writing. It's an autohagiography, as if written while jacking off and repeating te asinum laudamus. If there was ever something like graphomania combined with an onanist take on Bizet-esque, if not Wagnerian pathos, reckon that's got to be it.

I've bashed this revolting verbiage, this foetid drivel, on at least two occasions.
3. A Week On The Wrist: The Tudor Heritage Black Bay Black Ref. 79220N (Oct. 2015)

John Mayer has been contributing to HODINKEE since April 2012, and beyond the episodes of Talking Watches (both one and two), the in-depth looks at special Patek Philippe references, and the vintage Rolex recommendations, John penned one of our all-time most popular A Week On The Wrist reviews, about the Tudor Heritage Black Bay Black. His first person account of what it's like to wear this modern classic is insightful and enthralling and there's a reason it sits at number three on this list.
There's nothing like reading the musings of someone who makes no effort to know more what they're writing about. But wait, they called him an expert on a few occasions. If I bought Apollo 13 and First Man on Blu-Ray, that wouldn't exactly make me qualified to work at NASA, would it? Thought so. Neither does wild bidding at auction houses make an expert.
1. The Value Proposition: The Seiko SKX007 Diver's Watch (Oct. 2015)

And, in the top spot ... Jack's 2015 look at one of the most popular watches of all time, the Seiko SKX007 diver. For a lot of people (like a lot), the SKX007 is their entry point into watches and remains a piece near-and-dear to them throughout their collecting journeys.
Amazingly enough, there doesn't seem to be a lie in that.
but ultimately, this is a story about how watch collecting can and should be accessible to everyone, how it can be exciting and unpretentious at the same time, and how there's no reason you can't go out and get into the game today.
Sounds very idealistic, coming from those to whom idealism is tantamount to cancer.
There's nothing more HODINKEE than that.
There is. Lies, wilful misinformation, fleecing people, advertorials. That's already four things more HOODWINKEE than that.



OK, now let's look at another Donkey round-up... The 10 best (sic!) dive watches of 2019.
https://www.hodinkee.com/articles/best- ... tches-2019
I can imagine there will be a fair bit of disagreement over my list
Quite right.
Ianos Avyssos
Oh, that's going to be good, given how shitty the watch is.
A surprise choice from a minnow among leviathans, the Ianos hails from the proud diving nation of Greece.
As if centuries of diving for sponges taught them nothing.
The Avyssos takes its design inspiration from that country’s diving history.
Looks like it does take more from Panerai and Greek diners. And that medley must have indeed been compiled over a glass of the liquid diabetes called ouzo.
A handwound ETA movement is a novel choice on a modern diver
"Novel" doesn't mean it makes any sense, and it certifiably doesn't.
The Avyssos is like a shot of ouzo after so many glasses of pinot noir.
Yes, it's ultimately what makes one hug the porcelain throne while puking copiously.
Doxa SUB 200 T.Graph Stainless Steel
An orange forum wartche.
Big surprise this one is here, huh?
Not exactly, you've been blowing off the spawn of the Jennies' necromanced abomination a few times already.
My love of Doxa and specifically the T.Graph, is well known
Perversions are best kept private.
A true ugly duckling
Not so true, it won't fucking grow into a swan, this thing.
but if you’re a Doxa devotee, this was akin to a second coming of Neptune himself.
Reckon it's more like the Doxa trolls' tenth coming into the collective anus of their worshippers.
Oris Aquis GMT Date
Yeah, that doesn't look very practical.
Despite the runaway success of Oris’s Diver 65 line, which is a standard bearer for vintage style dive watches, it is the company’s Aquis line where we see the real innovation and variety.
What innovation?
And while the GMT Date may not be a pure diver since it lacks an elapsed time scale on the bezel, it’s more than ready for rough duty, underwater or topside
Certainly not underwater.
A clever 24-hour ring integration and that bold ceramic top ring, with a lovely blue and yellow color scheme, make this Aquis a top sports watch, diving or otherwise.
Otherwise.
GMT divers might just be the most versatile watch genre out there, begging to be taken to far flung cenotes and lagoons and this Oris is at the top of the heap.
Diving in caves and cenotes is dangerous as it is. This thing would be a qualifying factor for a Darwin Award for whoever would drown while using it.
Rolex Sea-Dweller Steel + Gold
A horrible take on what'd otherwise be relatively useful, perhaps not counting the size.
What’s a good “Best Of” roundup without a controversial choice?
A good round-up.
This is the best of what Rolex does: luxe sports watches with unsurpassed quality, durability and finishing.
Either it's meant to be practical, or it has gold parts. Let's be frank, 18K gold sucks as dive watch case/bezel/bracelet material. This one only makes sense as a fashion statement. Which is OK. Implying that this one has any tool watch nature to it...nope.
Rado Captain Cook Automatic
Not bad. Not practical, but not bad.
The Captain Cook Automatic is now available in a 42-millimeter case with a screw-down crown and 200 meters of water resistance. While the original 37mm size was charming, the bigger one loses none of its appeal
It certainly does lose a lot of wearability. I know, I've checked it out. Top-heavy. Even the Longines LLD with its ridiculously long lugs feels more balanced.

Tudor Black Bay P01

Is the "P" for "Pillock?"
But you know what? It works.
As a paperweight or a fashion statement.
I find the watch strangely appealing, in much the same way I like Doxas—avant garde in the name of innovative functionality.
What functionality?


I guess that's all. Or, bottom line, it's as much Donkey braying as I could handle. That's also likely all for this year.
Last edited by MKTheVintageBloke on December 28th 2019, 8:02pm, edited 1 time in total.
You cannot explain away a wantonly immoral act, because you think that it is connected to some higher purpose.
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bbattle
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Re: The Donkey Rewind - A Decade of Braying

Post by bbattle » December 28th 2019, 3:11pm

I take it this whodinky is not well thought of in certain circles.

From the small samples of his writing provided; it seems he doesn't edit his drivel before posting it. No matter what feature has been included on a watch, he seems to like it.

Is he pandering to sponsors? Is he hoping to obtain more free watches by always giving a glowing review? Perhaps he sincerely likes every single watch and every feature of said watches. Of course, that makes his reviews worthless to most folks. He might as well say "if you like that feature, you'll like this watch."


He reminds me of Julien Hirsch, a reviewer of stereo equipment that never had a bad word to say, no matter how bad the component.


Are there any redeeming qualities to this man's reviews or his website? Should I just go over there and see for my self?

I find the hilarity of Bazinga! reviews to be the reward for reading them. Like watching the "Gong Show" back in the 70's. Just how bad can they be? Let's find out.
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Re: The Donkey Rewind - A Decade of Braying

Post by bobbee » December 28th 2019, 6:49pm

Don't go looking Mr. Battle, you may start wearing tight jeans low on the hips, tight vest with baggy shirts, porkpie hats, and grow a neckbeard.

Great write-up Mikey, as per.

Happy New Fucking Year to all, and Gods Bless Us, Every One.

Now fuck off, I have to iron my vests.
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Re: The Donkey Rewind - A Decade of Braying

Post by TemerityB » December 28th 2019, 9:43pm

That was a LOT of work.

Hat's off for a job well done. :trophy:
WatchGeeks will go down in watch forum history as the worst watch related site that existed. Trolls, threats, bannings, and owners and sponsors talking out of their collective asses to fleece people out of hard earned money. - Koimaster
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Re: The Donkey Rewind - A Decade of Braying

Post by MKTheVintageBloke » December 30th 2019, 4:51pm

bbattle wrote:
December 28th 2019, 3:11pm
I take it this whodinky is not well thought of in certain circles.

It's liked here and there, and hated here and there. Not liked in WUS F11, and I reckon not liked here, either.
bbattle wrote:
December 28th 2019, 3:11pm
From the small samples of his writing provided; it seems he doesn't edit his drivel before posting it. No matter what feature has been included on a watch, he seems to like it.
See, no matter which Donkey writes the review, one can barely tell the difference. When Donkeys bray, can one tell one Donkey from another Donkey?
bbattle wrote:
December 28th 2019, 3:11pm
Is he pandering to sponsors?
Yes.
bbattle wrote:
December 28th 2019, 3:11pm
Is he hoping to obtain more free watches by always giving a glowing review?

Review samples, yes. To own? Presumably not. Their ends aren't quite as trivial as that.
bbattle wrote:
December 28th 2019, 3:11pm
Perhaps he sincerely likes every single watch and every feature of said watches.
Doubt they do.
bbattle wrote:
December 28th 2019, 3:11pm
Of course, that makes his reviews worthless to most folks.

Quite so. It's as if McDonald's was running a "culinary blog", where they'd be "reviewing" the Big Mac and all the other McWhatthefucknots.
bbattle wrote:
December 28th 2019, 3:11pm
Are there any redeeming qualities to this man's reviews or his website?

Save perhaps the pictures, no.
bbattle wrote:
December 28th 2019, 3:11pm
Should I just go over there and see for my self?
Well, you can try. Keep in mind that they sell vintage and contemporary watches. So, basically, they have an ulterior motive in everything they write. It's like an endless intermission for commercials.
bbattle wrote:
December 28th 2019, 3:54pm
Quelle Horreur! There's more than one?
Alas, Mr. Battle, there's an entire herd of the Donkeys. There's Benny the Donkey running the whole show, and has his Donkey leftenants do the advertorials. Then there are the Donkey ensigns running their Shop.
TemerityB wrote:
December 28th 2019, 9:43pm
That was a LOT of work.

Hat's off for a job well done. :trophy:
Thanks, TB!
conjurer wrote:
December 28th 2019, 8:47pm
A very witty and engaging rant, Mr. Bloke.
Well, I aim to please.
You cannot explain away a wantonly immoral act, because you think that it is connected to some higher purpose.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation
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