- Master of Time
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I have shelled it on Bring a Brain once...but I have never given it the Watchlords Pineapple. On this occasion, I will fix that mistake. They revisit the editorial, I revisit its heavy and thorough barrage. The game is afoot! Follow your spirit, and upon this charge...
We've all been there. Some of us are still there.
People usually have been somewhere. Here, there, somewhere nearer, somewhere further. Meh.
Or, even worse, you think you know what you're doing, but you're woefully mistaken.
And there goes the Donkeys' autobiography in a nutshell.
But even beyond studying the minutiae, memorizing reference numbers, and knowing your way around a complicated movement, there's a lot you can do to raise your chances of success and to get even more out of this fun little hobby of ours. That's where we come in.
No, that's where you barge in with your filthy hooves.
More precisely, that's where our founder, Ben Clymer, comes in.
Barges in, told you.
Along the way, he discovered a number of pitfalls that tend to beguile those new to watch collecting and back in 2016 he decided to do something about it: He put together a list of the 12 mistakes that new watch guys make and how you can avoid them yourself.
"Sir, do you have a minute to talk about our Lord and Saviour, the Donkey God?"
This includes everything from obsessing over in-house movements to misunderstanding auction results to dismissing important brands as an act of defiance. Even if you're a seasoned collector, we bet you'll learn a thing or two.
Oh, really? Oh my, such big experts, so much knowledge! I may vomit.
You think I'm done? No, I'm just getting started. That was just the intro, and now, the editorial itself...
1. Believing That A Movement Makes A Watch
Oi, you, Donkey sods! I want to sell you a Ruhla, and I want two grand for it. Look at this extraordinary, exotic tropical gilt spider dial! Never mind that the pin lever shite inside has gone to Fiddler's fucking Green.
Let's be clear about one thing: a movement is a vital part of any watch, but it does not make a watch.
In fact, in absence of other discernible merits, it often does.
Movements matter, but so do other things.
Certainly, Captain Obvious.
2. Not Respecting Rolex Enough
In Donkeyspeak, this means not spunking all over one's undies every time one sees the coronet logo, and it has nothing to do with respect.
I can't tell you how many friends are shocked to learn that there are, in fact, watches from other companies that cost even more than a Rolex!
Poor choice of friends.
It's at this point that people tend to start looking down on Rolex, and extol the benefits of hand-finishing, and rarity, and limited editions.
And what else, you fucking Munchhausens, are you doing in your potty Shop than bashing the bishop to false rarity, and shitting out one limited edition after another?
3. Believing That A High Price, Or A Lot Of Complications, Automatically Equals Quality (Or Bragging Rights)
That might be true, but what else do you fucking braggarts do all the time?
An obvious one, right? Not so. There seems to be a misconception among new watch fans that an expensive watch is a good watch, and that more is better.
This coming from the Donkeys is perhaps the height of irony. Look at any description in their Shop - "an expensive watch is a good watch" and "more is better" nothing short of define the H-Shop. Oh, and that they usually say of all these unserviced rustbuckets they so love to push on their clueless clientele.
Grand Complications, with the exception of a small handful, are nothing more than halo projects and should be treated as such.
You keep telling yourself that until you publish a wankfest to the Patek perpetual calendar chronographs, most likely to be co-written with John Mayer.
4. Not Owning (Or Never Owning) An Omega Speedmaster
Come on, how can you call yourself a watch guy and not own a Speedmaster?
Great Scott. I know watch guys and gals a thousand times more worthy of the title of "watch guy" or "watch gal", and they don't own a fucking Speedmaster. The point of what I'm saying isn't to bash the Speedmaster. It's an excellent watch, and one of the most timeless sports watch designs, ever. The point is putting an obtuse, snobbish, pish-posh fanboy in his fucking place.
6. Assuming Anyone Who Spends More Than You On A Watch Is Buying For Investment Only And Will Never Wear It
Speaks volumes of the places that the Supreme Donkey frequents.
And this seems to be a sliding scale. As those folks move from time-only military watches, up to the matte dial Rolex, then gilt dials, and to vintage Pateks – as long as they can afford something similar, then the watch is going to a true enthusiast. Right. It doesn't work this way.
Just a moment ago, you've declared that someone who doesn't own a Speedmaster isn't a true watch guy! Get your fucking shine box, and scuttle.
Those steel Pateks you see go at auction? They end up on the wrists of serious watch lovers. People who take the time to learn about, study, and purchase watches at auction are real watch people
Given how much shit gets sold at auctions, this sounds delusional. A clueless preaching to the clueless, praising the clueless.
You're already in a hyper-niche community, don't try to create another divide between you and the rest of the watch collecting world.
...said the man who built a fucking Berlin Wall in the midst of the community.
We're all in it together
No, we're not, Donkey boy. You're not drinking where I'm drinking. You're trying to fuck the collectors' community sans vaseline. Me and a number of others are standing on the side of the collectors, and not the fleecers, so we ain't on the same side of the barricade.
...you wouldn't want people to think you're not a real watch guy, would you?
I'd have your sorry lot think precisely that, rather than be a part of your society of mutual admiration.
7. Calling Any Vintage Rolex With A Black Bezel 'Bakelite'
If one doesn't collect Rolex, what the fuck does that matter?
8. Citing One Post On One Forum (Or One Instagram Comment) As Fact
You know who can make a post on a forum and declare themselves an expert? Anyone. Literally anyone on this planet.
Says the stone amateur who declared himself an expert, so that's kind of true.
You know who fact checks them? Nobody.
Hello, I'm Nobody, Mr.Bloke Nobody, and I fact-check your load of bollocks. The results aren't in your fucking favour.
So, citing a single post or thread on a single forum as fact is something that doesn't make too much sense, realistically speaking.
Only as long as said thread or post isn't rooted in facts. Tons of reference threads on forums are of much more value than anything that the Hoedonkeys have ever published.
You have to remember that the world is full of people trying to take advantage of you
Of course it is. You're an example of that sort yourself, you and your fleecers' den.
I've seen people make six-figure decisions based on literally the opinion of one person, whose legal name they do not know. Trust experts whose names you know
Well, that didn't save the clients of a certain crook, whose legal name they knew, and it was Bernie Madoff. In the online community, people are the knowledge they possess and share, even if all that stands for said knowledge is just a nickname.
They are littered with mis- and disinformation, and while forums at times can be fantastic resources for watch lovers (my favorites include Timezone, The Purists, Omega Forums, On The Dash, and VRF),
As if your potty blog wasn't chock-full of misinformation and lies. Go kiss Oberfeldwebel Massena's arse on Timezone, Donkey.
a few thousand followers does not an expert make.
Of course, and that's a part of why you ain't one. Just that Hodinkee has thousands of arse-kissers won't transfigure its contents from shit to gold.
9. Calling A Deployant Buckle A 'Deployment' Buckle
As if anyone fucking cared.
10. Proclaiming You (Or Someone You Know) Is The 'World's Biggest Collector'
Never even heard of anyone doing that. Again, it looks like you, dear Donkey, ain't drinking where I'm drinking.
11. Assuming That Any High Price Achieved At Auction Only Happened Because A Brand Was The Bidder
Of cooourse, and what about the shills from Omega bidding on the CK 2915? What about Patek's shills bidding on pieces planted by Patek itself?
Oh, and remember, it takes two bidders to raise any sale price, so one institutional bidder with deep pockets can't do it alone.
Of course, they need an accomplice. How about a blog to drive up the hype, in order to bring the shill in the auction room some competition?
Aaaaargggghhhh. If you want more, here's the original walloping of that editorial - Bring a Brain III (27 instalments ago!):
Mr. Bloke out.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation