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It’s been a long time since any of us have done a “How Bad Can It Be?” which is the brainchild of the brilliant Conjurer. In my case, I have pretty much stopped buying El Cheapo watches, even just to kid around here – and I’d rather be chased by a wildebeest who feeds from the floors of a small-town movie house than put another penny in the pockets of the louses and crumbs that comprise the seedy Invicta Watch Group, no matter how much I enjoy making fun of them. It’s hard to review crappy watches when you don’t buy any crappy watches. Oh, how I miss the mouse and his H-E-Double-Horse-Pucky reviews of Androids and Pro Divers. I guess I could log on to WIT, but unfortunately, I’ve got a degree.
However, last summer, after reading some breathless online reviews, I paid less than $20 for a Chinese dive-style watch that has a lot of the Interwebs howling “Wow – I kin gets me a Rolex Sub look fer just a few dollars!” between Hav-A-Hank nose blows. I know that if WG was still around, their WURW would have dozens of photos of these, likely coated in the spurted excitement fapped from the usual coterie of dateless mastodons that would collect stuff like this.
This watch is famous for two reasons: First, it makes cheapskates get a chubber, and secondly: “Perlative Ceronometer.” That’s what it actually says on the dial, right above “Officially Certified.” Both of those lines are below the depth rating, which states it’s three bars, but I give this one the same water rating I’d give an Invicta Faux Diver: Don’t spit on it. The crown is wonky and tighter than Jack Benny; it takes about nine minutes to wind this thing. Screw down? Whadda ya want for nothin', a rubber biscuit?
I’m pretty sure the price I paid for this was $19.88 from a company called GearBest. A short review of GearBest: Slower-than-slow shipping, took more than a month to arrive. BFD. Gearbest, sort of like Ali Baba Lite, describes itself as “a strategic brand product of the renowned Chinese cross-border enterprise Globalegrow,” which I guess translates to “we ship overseas.”
The movement is one of those generic Chinese specials you find in Stuhrling Original and such; I can’t find any nomenclature on how many jewels it has. It does run - barely. The only thing I can equate it to is the announcement that Sarah Huckabee Sanders is running for governor of Arkansas. Truth be told, she’s lumbering slowly for governor of Arkansas. That’s this Tevise – get it wound and it will run all day; wake up the next day, it’s deader than that Costco case of Utz pork rinds at the Huckabee mansion. This thing runs plus-minus your-guess-is-as-good-as-mine; it’s like hiring hookers that swallow – some days it does, some days it doesn’t. It’s kept up with my PC clock as I’ve been writing this, clearly a high-water mark for a water-themed watch that I wouldn’t even bring within 20 yards of a kiddie pool.
Looks-wise, this watch originally came with a two-tone faux gold/silver bracelet that I immediately removed and pitched, pronto – just awful. It looks bad and rattled like a 1974 Ford Pinto with worn-out cams. Reviewers raved about the solid links, but the bracelet was such an unsightly hunk of tin. I replaced it with a Clockwork Synergy black rubber strap - just in case, you know, I get a hankering to get some serious snorkeling action in with this fine dive watch. Those bikini babes are gonna see this on my wrist and insist that I spread some Dollar General sun block on ’em. I'll have hot dog money on me, you know, just in case.
I am just amazed at the good reviews this watch has gotten online: To call it shit would be an insult to the daily fecal evacuations that keep us all healthy and well adjusted. Some sale sheets even claim this has a Hardlex crystal. C’mon, now. Yeah, a company that sells watches that must cost less than $3 to put together gets crystals from Seiko. This is just a mineral cyclops-adorned crystal, I’m sure; if it is a Hardlex, it’s sort of like putting a designer leather cover on your aunt’s hemorrhoid donut. Stats, such as they are: 43mm, 14mm high, 20mm band, it actually came in a box with a pillow, mystery movement, making this sort of the Taco Bell Quesarito of watches.
Overall: From a distance, this doesn’t look all that bad, but the closer you get to it – well, it’s like a stripper once the red lights go out and you see her in daylight: What was I thinking. Like bringing back rented DVDs to the adult bookstore, nobody’s gonna see me leave the house with this. I slap it on every now and again, just to see if it finally died.