How Bad Could It Be: Tevise T801 “Sub” Homage

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How Bad Could It Be: Tevise T801 “Sub” Homage

Post by TemerityB » January 24th 2021, 10:47pm

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It’s been a long time since any of us have done a “How Bad Can It Be?” which is the brainchild of the brilliant Conjurer. In my case, I have pretty much stopped buying El Cheapo watches, even just to kid around here – and I’d rather be chased by a wildebeest who feeds from the floors of a small-town movie house than put another penny in the pockets of the louses and crumbs that comprise the seedy Invicta Watch Group, no matter how much I enjoy making fun of them. It’s hard to review crappy watches when you don’t buy any crappy watches. Oh, how I miss the mouse and his H-E-Double-Horse-Pucky reviews of Androids and Pro Divers. I guess I could log on to WIT, but unfortunately, I’ve got a degree.

However, last summer, after reading some breathless online reviews, I paid less than $20 for a Chinese dive-style watch that has a lot of the Interwebs howling “Wow – I kin gets me a Rolex Sub look fer just a few dollars!” between Hav-A-Hank nose blows. I know that if WG was still around, their WURW would have dozens of photos of these, likely coated in the spurted excitement fapped from the usual coterie of dateless mastodons that would collect stuff like this.

This watch is famous for two reasons: First, it makes cheapskates get a chubber, and secondly: “Perlative Ceronometer.” That’s what it actually says on the dial, right above “Officially Certified.” Both of those lines are below the depth rating, which states it’s three bars, but I give this one the same water rating I’d give an Invicta Faux Diver: Don’t spit on it. The crown is wonky and tighter than Jack Benny; it takes about nine minutes to wind this thing. Screw down? Whadda ya want for nothin', a rubber biscuit?

I’m pretty sure the price I paid for this was $19.88 from a company called GearBest. A short review of GearBest: Slower-than-slow shipping, took more than a month to arrive. BFD. Gearbest, sort of like Ali Baba Lite, describes itself as “a strategic brand product of the renowned Chinese cross-border enterprise Globalegrow,” which I guess translates to “we ship overseas.”

The movement is one of those generic Chinese specials you find in Stuhrling Original and such; I can’t find any nomenclature on how many jewels it has. It does run - barely. The only thing I can equate it to is the announcement that Sarah Huckabee Sanders is running for governor of Arkansas. Truth be told, she’s lumbering slowly for governor of Arkansas. That’s this Tevise – get it wound and it will run all day; wake up the next day, it’s deader than that Costco case of Utz pork rinds at the Huckabee mansion. This thing runs plus-minus your-guess-is-as-good-as-mine; it’s like hiring hookers that swallow – some days it does, some days it doesn’t. It’s kept up with my PC clock as I’ve been writing this, clearly a high-water mark for a water-themed watch that I wouldn’t even bring within 20 yards of a kiddie pool.

Looks-wise, this watch originally came with a two-tone faux gold/silver bracelet that I immediately removed and pitched, pronto – just awful. It looks bad and rattled like a 1974 Ford Pinto with worn-out cams. Reviewers raved about the solid links, but the bracelet was such an unsightly hunk of tin. I replaced it with a Clockwork Synergy black rubber strap - just in case, you know, I get a hankering to get some serious snorkeling action in with this fine dive watch. Those bikini babes are gonna see this on my wrist and insist that I spread some Dollar General sun block on ’em. I'll have hot dog money on me, you know, just in case.

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I am just amazed at the good reviews this watch has gotten online: To call it shit would be an insult to the daily fecal evacuations that keep us all healthy and well adjusted. Some sale sheets even claim this has a Hardlex crystal. C’mon, now. Yeah, a company that sells watches that must cost less than $3 to put together gets crystals from Seiko. This is just a mineral cyclops-adorned crystal, I’m sure; if it is a Hardlex, it’s sort of like putting a designer leather cover on your aunt’s hemorrhoid donut. Stats, such as they are: 43mm, 14mm high, 20mm band, it actually came in a box with a pillow, mystery movement, making this sort of the Taco Bell Quesarito of watches.

Overall: From a distance, this doesn’t look all that bad, but the closer you get to it – well, it’s like a stripper once the red lights go out and you see her in daylight: What was I thinking. Like bringing back rented DVDs to the adult bookstore, nobody’s gonna see me leave the house with this. I slap it on every now and again, just to see if it finally died.
Last edited by TemerityB on January 24th 2021, 10:58pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: How Bad Could It Be: Tevise T801 “Sub” Homage

Post by JAS1125 » January 25th 2021, 9:21am

well, it’s like a stripper once the red lights go out and you see her in daylight:
To Cecil a bit:
Back in the early 80s, a good buddy had the hots for a bartender in a nightclub, that in the dim lights, looked like Leslie Anne Warren.

However, when I saw her during the day.....


Last year I also bought a Perlative Chronometer to see why the Budget watch group on Facebook was having orgasms. My findings were the same as T.
Still have it.....

The latest orgasm inducing brand over there is Pagani Design.
"Old age and treachery will always beat youth and exuberance"

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Re: How Bad Could It Be: Tevise T801 “Sub” Homage

Post by TemerityB » January 25th 2021, 12:43pm

JAS1125 wrote:
January 25th 2021, 9:21am
well, it’s like a stripper once the red lights go out and you see her in daylight:
The latest orgasm inducing brand over there is Pagani Design.
Yeah, I've been reading about them, too - by golly, you can wear an Omega Seamaster or Tag Heuer Autavia for $100!

UPDATE: Give the Tevise a good wind before bed last night, went to bed around 1:30 am; woke up to find the Tevise stopped at 2:06 am.

I'd shoot it but the bullet is worth more than the watch.
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Re: How Bad Could It Be: Tevise T801 “Sub” Homage

Post by MKTheVintageBloke » January 25th 2021, 2:06pm

Love the write-up, TB.

As for the watch - an absolutely (su)Perlative steaming pile of fucking shite.
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Re: How Bad Could It Be: Tevise T801 “Sub” Homage

Post by biglove » January 25th 2021, 2:50pm

Gave me the giggles. Great write up. I think these are very much hit or miss. Son-in-law has one and he actually got a decent one, thankfully.

Best line in any watch review for some time, "the Taco Bell Quesarito of watches."
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Re: How Bad Could It Be: Tevise T801 “Sub” Homage

Post by TemerityB » January 25th 2021, 6:59pm

biglove wrote:
January 25th 2021, 2:50pm
Gave me the giggles. Great write up. I think these are very much hit or miss. Son-in-law has one and he actually got a decent one, thankfully.

Best line in any watch review for some time, "the Taco Bell Quesarito of watches."
A decent one? Wow.

The fact that two others here even knew was I was writing about shows just how much play these El Cheapo homage watches get. I'm actually slightly shocked.
The Best Invicta Ever is: The ones you used to own. - Boscoe
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Re: How Bad Could It Be: Tevise T801 “Sub” Homage

Post by JAS1125 » January 25th 2021, 7:53pm

The fact that two others here even knew was I was writing about shows just how much play these El Cheapo homage watches get. I'm actually slightly shocked.
I spend too much time on Facebook... That Budget group I mentioned was where I found out about them. Most drone on about a lot of scrap, but I did get a heads up on an RLG compressor sale (post forthcoming)
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Re: How Bad Could It Be: Tevise T801 “Sub” Homage

Post by TemerityB » January 25th 2021, 9:12pm

JAS1125 wrote:
January 25th 2021, 7:53pm
The fact that two others here even knew was I was writing about shows just how much play these El Cheapo homage watches get. I'm actually slightly shocked.
I spend too much time on Facebook... That Budget group I mentioned was where I found out about them. Most drone on about a lot of scrap, but I did get a heads up on an RLG compressor sale (post forthcoming)
Solid! I will look forward to that.
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Re: How Bad Could It Be: Tevise T801 “Sub” Homage

Post by biglove » January 26th 2021, 12:18am

TemerityB wrote:
January 25th 2021, 6:59pm
biglove wrote:
January 25th 2021, 2:50pm
Gave me the giggles. Great write up. I think these are very much hit or miss. Son-in-law has one and he actually got a decent one, thankfully.

Best line in any watch review for some time, "the Taco Bell Quesarito of watches."
A decent one? Wow.

The fact that two others here even knew was I was writing about shows just how much play these El Cheapo homage watches get. I'm actually slightly shocked.
I, too, was surprised. Bezel didn't wiggle, bracelet was quiet. The guy desrrves a break so was happy for him.

Pagani Dedign makes a better product, their Daytona homage is solid. When they first came out I bought their Aquaracer homage. The bezel was utter shite. I tossed that one in the trash. Rotating bezels seem to be the Achiles's heal for these Chinese cheapo brands.

Another odd thing is that there are several companies selling watches under the same name with these brands. Is a weird Chinese phenomenon. QC can vary greatly, depending on who you buy from. The seller can customize what level of QC is done with assembly by choosing more expensive levels of product to sell.

Parnis sells their own watches they manufacture or they sell lower quality models that look the same to sellers who wish to sell the brand. Same name on the dial, looks the same but isn't the same level of QC. Go figure.

Some of these brands reinvest their profits to actually make a better product, Phoibos being the best example. Others just stay shitty.
My best friend from college shared his secret to his huge financial success, "I fell out of the right vagina."

"We should just sanction stupidity as our national pastime and be done with it."-TemerityB, WL Asshat
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Re: How Bad Could It Be: Tevise T801 “Sub” Homage

Post by TemerityB » January 26th 2021, 12:23pm

biglove wrote:
January 26th 2021, 12:18am
TemerityB wrote:
January 25th 2021, 6:59pm
biglove wrote:
January 25th 2021, 2:50pm
Gave me the giggles. Great write up. I think these are very much hit or miss. Son-in-law has one and he actually got a decent one, thankfully.

Best line in any watch review for some time, "the Taco Bell Quesarito of watches."
A decent one? Wow.

The fact that two others here even knew was I was writing about shows just how much play these El Cheapo homage watches get. I'm actually slightly shocked.
I, too, was surprised. Bezel didn't wiggle, bracelet was quiet. The guy desrrves a break so was happy for him.

Pagani Dedign makes a better product, their Daytona homage is solid. When they first came out I bought their Aquaracer homage. The bezel was utter shite. I tossed that one in the trash. Rotating bezels seem to be the Achiles's heal for these Chinese cheapo brands.

Another odd thing is that there are several companies selling watches under the same name with these brands. Is a weird Chinese phenomenon. QC can vary greatly, depending on who you buy from. The seller can customize what level of QC is done with assembly by choosing more expensive levels of product to sell.

Parnis sells their own watches they manufacture or they sell lower quality models that look the same to sellers who wish to sell the brand. Same name on the dial, looks the same but isn't the same level of QC. Go figure.

Some of these brands reinvest their profits to actually make a better product, Phoibos being the best example. Others just stay shitty.
I think the whole key to these things are the homage attempts. There sure are so many of them out there. Phoibos, to its credit, is actually trying to make a product that has some standards. So many of the rest of these are just slapped-together junk. Sure, you can look like you have a Seamaster on with your $20 AliBaba special, but get ready to order them infinitely.
The Best Invicta Ever is: The ones you used to own. - Boscoe
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