A Major Breakthrough By Invicta!

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conjurer
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A Major Breakthrough By Invicta!

Post by conjurer » July 8th 2011, 8:50am

As some may know, me and Eyal Lalo, CEO of Invicta Watch Group, are pretty good buds. And when Eyal wants to announce a major breaktruth in the Big Yellow World of Horology that is Invicta, he generally calls me to break the news.

Well, hold on to your hats! Eyal called me the other day to let me know that Invicta was going to follow in the footsteps of (yet) another fairly-well-regarded brand in the watch biz, this one being Jaeger LeCoultre. I spoke on a conference call with Eyal as well as Mongo Kid, the Technical Brand Manager of IWG, just a few days ago.


"Jaeger LeCoultre is a good company," sez MD, "and they make some OK watches--although in too small a configuration, if you will."

"They're top of the heap, Michael!" I said, "I mean, how can you even compare--"

"Well, yes, but, for instance, if you look at the fact that they still use sapphire crystals on some of their watches--"

"Well, all of them, actually," I said.

"--Shut up before I shank you," sez MD, who continues "Whereas at Invicta, we use only Flame Fusion in a configuration of the watch--ah, crystals. This is what makes Invicta the Most Feared Watch company out there--"

"Particularly by its customers," I said.

"The Most Feared Watch company around," sez MD. "Well, Flame Fusion and sharpened toothbrushes. If you will."

At this point Eyal broke in, apparently perturbed. "Turdling, shut the fuck up, will you? Here's my keys. Go get my Escalade washed. Now then, Jim--"

"John," I said.

"Whatever. Here's the point..."

And so the story unfolds--or unravels, like so many of Eyal's ideas. Jaeger LeCoultre has made, for many years, a perfect marvel of timekeeping, the Atmos clock:

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The Atmos clock. A perfect marvel of timekeeping.


The Atmos doesn't wind, it doesn't work on a battery--kind of like many Invicta quartz watches, which don't work on a battery either--but instead uses the very small changes in air temperature and pressure to power the movement. It does this in some cool way that I won't bother you with today, go ahead and Google it, you'll be impressed. The problem with the Atmos is A) it's difficult to work on, and after some years it may become inaccurate and B) it's ruinously expensive--so expensive, in fact, that only Warren Buffett can afford one, and he has to think long and hard before springing for that kind of jack, thank you very much.

Well, Eyal, utilizing his crack team of watchmakers, namely the Andean women who wear stupid undersize bowler hats:

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Dolores Elegante Slipshodez, watchmaker extraordinary


...to make a new, Invicta-improved clock, the Atmosis! This one will be powered only by halitosis, but will be also be radio-controlled. Unlike most RC timekeepers, however, the Atmosis will only receive radio signals from China--I'll leave it to the members of this forum to insert joke here--and only on every other Friday.

Now, many people don't realize that Invicta has a long history--well back into the 1990s!--of making clocks, not including the Sea Hunter, which is pretty much a grandfather clock on the wrist. The first one made, by Grandmama Lenya, won the award for the Worst and Ugliest Clock at the SIHH:

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The Salute to Muzak; regrettably, no examples known to still exist


This was followed by the Talking Clock for the Blind, designed by the Technical Brand Manager himself:

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This one was programmed using MD's voice. "Six complications and not one of them fucking work"


The Talking Clock for the Blind was waterproof as well; unfortunately it wasn't a hit with customers, as if would bite fingers off in the shower.

This was followed by a series of Clocks Configured to Teach Children Time:

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Eyal's son, Subaqua, proudly shows off his new clock!


The final clock, up until the release of the Atmosis, was the Homage to Eyal Desk Clock:

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Want to put your own picture in there? Forget about it. Eyal's picture is fused to the back of a Flame Fusion crystal!


Despite such a terrible track record in producing timepieces--err, I mean just clocks here--Eyal had a brainstorm after getting trapped in an elevator for five hours with MD; the Atmosis! It comes in two parts, first, that computer controller:

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This is a real pic of some computer thingie I stole off Google Images!


This is coupled to the clock part:

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An early production of the Atmosis, here called the Astina, which is a pretty funny name by itself


The Atmosis was scheduled to premier on ShopNBC next week; however, it was pushed back by a month as it has to be hosted by Jill Sommerstein. The clock seems to run very fast when MD is in the room.
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anonymous-10

Post by anonymous-10 » July 8th 2011, 9:13am

Another classic. Thanks.
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Re: A Major Breakthrough By Invicta!

Post by Falstaff » July 8th 2011, 10:38am

[quote="conjurer"


Image

The Salute to Muzak; regrettably, no examples known to still exist


On a side note: Wow, a "Ted Mack's Amateur Hour" clock, with Ted Mack (or is it Major Bowes?) himself at the bell - TV's original "America's Got Talent" Didn't know something like that ever existed! I remember "round and round and round she goes..."



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Re: A Major Breakthrough By Invicta!

Post by WatchDorks.Net » July 8th 2011, 10:41am

conjurer wrote:The clock seems to run very fast when MD is in the room.


While the whole thing was excellent, this bit just had me giggling stupidly. Image
Proud "hater" since 2009. Get over it and have fun reassembling yer wartches.

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sandoz

Re: A Major Breakthrough By Invicta!

Post by sandoz » July 8th 2011, 11:51am

OTMF wrote:Thanks Jim--
I needed that.
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That there is funny, OTMF. And John, its been a while since you visited again with your "bud" eyal. I was beginning to wonder if he was mad at you.
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