Schaumburg Viperfish review

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Schaumburg Viperfish review

Post by koimaster » May 20th 2019, 12:15pm

The Breitling Seawolf Avenger was the watch RESPONSABLE for opening my eyes to the world of dive watches. Of course I had a fondness of dive watches before, but the Avenger was definitely a world opening experience. I can still remember the feeling of holding it’s hefty stainless steel case in my hand. As I dove deeper into the world of dive watches I discovered all kinds of mystifying watches, I also discovered how many clones of dive watches. Quite a dead sea fille with unimaginative, uninspired rubbish. Even the big players in the watch world just rehash old designs over and over and over. I find myself becoming bored with the same crap dished out year after year with the almost unnoticeable changes that companies boast about at Basel each year. That is why when Shaumburg Watches explained to me their idea for a new dive watch, that instantly captured my attention and of course my interest! I must admit my friends that I was split down the middle though, 50% intrigued and 50% hesitant. Other thoughts and feelings that came to mind such as, worried, unsure…… ... viperfish/

I had been under the impression the name viperfish had been copyrighted or trademarked by NFW?


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Re: Schaumburg Viperfish review

Post by MKTheVintageBloke » May 20th 2019, 3:50pm

Oh, how I've waited for a piece so dreadful to read, and that'd be such a joy to bash... Cry "Havoc!," and let slip the dogs of war!

The Breitling Seawolf Avenger was the watch RESPONSABLE...

...for the unfortunate use of Caps Lock, seasoned with a typo?

I can still remember the feeling of holding it’s hefty stainless steel case in my hand.

Its hefty steel case. "It's" is an abbreviation for "it is", "its" is the possessive form of "it." Detective Inspector Bloke of the Schoolboy Mistake Division, Grammar Police, at your service.

I must admit my friends that I was split down the middle though

I must admit, my friend, that you're well and truly irreformable in terms of the correct use of punctuation. Split down the middle, huh...? Ahhhh, yes, that's a clear symptom of an imminent - and particularly vicious - attack of the verbal trot.

If you look at the first pictures within this review maybe you may already know what my 50% hesitation was about. In case you don’t know, I will gladly explain.

By all means, do. Pretty much every watch featured at Bazingablog has me 100% certain, with no room for hesitation, that I wouldn't want to have it.

The skeleton dial was what initially caused the hesitation to swirl like a whirlpool within my head...

...for said head is a vacant and verily abyssal space, in the deep and dark void of which the rare instance of an articulable Bazingesque thought swirls like shit, while it's being mercilessly washed by the Niagara Falls of inferior intellect into the oblivion of the mental sewer.

...when Schaumburg told me their plans.

Unless they plan to seize control of the world through an international plot of cyclists, Freemasons, grocers and selfie addicts, that's nothing of importance.

We all know that I can’t stand a sapphire crystal exhibition case back on a diver

No, I don't think we do. Thank you for bringing this most irrelevant fact to our attention.

But you say, “Stephen you tell us all the time that different is a good thing”

No; I say, "Stephen, you need an editor, hire some primary school student as one."

and you are definitely right to want to throw that into my face like a cream pie.

That sounds kind of ghey. Anyway, for what it's worth, a creampie and a facial are two different things.

What Schaumburg did with their dial is definitely different

Looking at various wonders from Aliexpress, not really. Let alone definitely.

They didn’t just give an off the shelf movement with nothing “pretty” to look at.

But that's exactly what they did!

What’s the point right?

Not the point left.

The whole point in my opinion of the crystal peering “window” is to give you something interesting to look at.

...because with the watch being as useless for diving as it is, there's not much more that can be done, save perhaps making it even more useless. Although looking at it, I'm not quite sure that any further changes in that direction are in the realm of the possible.

This is what Schaumburg’s achievement was here

Yes, yes, quite the achievement. Cut out a part of the dial, do some perlage, paint a gear for the populace to think they're buying unobtainium, and...done.

The moderately 45mm x 14.8mm

Hockey puck.

You may wonder why this model is named the Viperfish.



...because the viperfish is one ugly fucker?

Schaumburg insured dial legibility in low lit environments...

Through which insurance company?

After all this is a dive watch


legibility is important to those you will actually dive with this watch.

That'd mean: to no one, save perhaps the occasional idiot.

The torque screws that assist in holding the lugs in place are an excellent example of Schaumburg’s...

...lack of ability to design a proper case with firm lugs, which one doesn't need to fix with a screwdriver.

I want to point out another example of this mindfulness, located at the screw down crown a there is smaller torque screw assisting in holding the crown guard in place. These details add in the overall aesthetics of the Viperfish, but more importantly they add strength reinforcement.

No, they add nothing except the unwanted factor of ridiculously overcomplicating something that can be fashioned from a single block of steel.

This is what I am talking about when I say that I love when companies think outside of the box when designing watches.

It doesn't look like they were thinking at all.

I don’t review watches that are intended for the great masses, I review watches that are geared for those who appreciate the different.


If you are looking for a German made quality dive watch that isn’t a clone/homage/tired design...

...get a Sinn or a Damasko.

...then the Viperfish may be the watch you are looking for.


Everything on this watch not only looks great, but also functions without fail, each detail big or small is purpose driven.

That not a thing on it looks good, that's an entirely subjective matter, but more importantly, nothing in this one is purpose-driven. Well, that's unless said purpose is an Invictesque/Stuhrlingesque appearance.

The Viperfish wasn’t drawn up over night

No, it takes more time to come up with something quite as useless and ghastly.

nor was it inspired by another watch


I don’t review uninspiring watches, nor do I review watches that are crap.

In fact, you do both, on a regular basis.

Some very sad and very unhappy people recently pointed out to me that all my reviews are positive in nature and why don’t I ever give a bad review. The answer is quite simple, I don’t review uninspiring watches, nor do I review watches that are crap. Why waste my time or your time on those watches? In order to create, one needs to be inspired, at least that is how I work. Of course this is the same group of unhappy individuals that also said there are too many pictures in my reviews and that the pictures are over staged. Last time I checked, a watch review should have a lot of pictures and they should be well planned out. Who wants a review with limited shitty pictures? Well besides the mentioned sad individuals.

Hmmm...someone who can actually write, and thus is genuinely abhorred by every Bazingablog review?

...during all my indoor and all my outdoor activities...

Activities like looking for photogenic puddles and struggling with a primary school grammar textbook?

Thank you so much for reading.

Why, you're welcome.
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Re: Schaumburg Viperfish review

Post by artman » May 20th 2019, 4:40pm

I feel a little cheated. In the opening sentence he mentioned the Breitling Seawolf Avenger and then I scroll down and see a dozen photos of this piece of crap. How can you make a connection from the Breitling Seawolf Avenger to this ugly fucking monstrosity?? I'm feeling a bit like Mr. Bloke right now and might just loose my shit. I feel my BP rising...
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Re: Schaumburg Viperfish review

Post by TemerityB » May 20th 2019, 7:27pm

Great job, as always, bloke. It's way over the author's head, but hey, he's got his Instagram fans who just adore his semi-nudes.

Our ol' pal writes like English is his third language, and his photography is a miracle - on a "site" that's supposed to be about watches, he does everything he can to obscure the watches. But the writing ... not only are there tenses amiss and syntax garbled, it's just so fucking get-me-out-of-this-elevator-this-motherfucker-is-creeping-me-out strange. Every see an insane, ranting homeless guy get kicked out of Burger King? Those pages of white paper scrawled on with a pencil they leave behind? Guarantee ya, it's more cogent than this stuff.

Ahh, millennials. I say we all chip in and buy the author a plastic trophy in the shape of a camera. Might help his obviously stunted self-esteem.

Matt Foley, I'm tellin' ya.

Also: Viperfish is one thing - who names their watch company after the armpit of Chicago?
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Re: Schaumburg Viperfish review

Post by conjurer » May 20th 2019, 8:50pm

Excellent job, Mr. Bloke; as usual, you nailed it.

Interestingly, I believe that I am one of the sad and unhappy people that Bazinga! refers to; however, he's totally wrong. I am actually very happy, and not sad at all, particularly when it comes to breaking Bazinga!'s horribly distended balls.
My little brain can't even comprehend how deep that is.

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