Eyal's Balls Are Not Enough! Now Robert Gattshall Moves His Tongue To Wing's Nutsack

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Eyal's Balls Are Not Enough! Now Robert Gattshall Moves His Tongue To Wing's Nutsack

Post by conjurer » May 8th 2013, 9:25pm

Perhaps Robert Gattshall, the Mickey Spillane of internet watch reviewers--assuming that Mickey Spillane was a total fucking jerkoff who didn't know how to use commas, has tired of sucking the Panamanian hangers of Eyal Lalo. Or maybe Wing Liang has offered him more freebies than Invicter--and as we all know, there's nobody who hates the waste of valuable money than Eyal.

Anyway, Robert Gattshall has moved Upmarket and decided to review the Very Fine Chinese Tourbillon by Android:

http://time2talkwatches.com/Blog/?p=925#more-925

Because, as we all know, nothing says luxury more than a Chinese tourbillon.

Jumping right into the meat of the Ree-voo:

Along with the recent release of the 7750 Virtuoso the Tourbillon version of this timepiece is a look into what Android it all about. Clean, sleek, and unique designs that use subtle hints to express the creativity of Wing Liang. The Virtuoso is one of the cleanest designs that I have seen that also shows off a tremendous amount of design work. It’s sleek edges and lines remind me of a high-end sports car. Not flashy but with one look you can tell that it is nothing to ignore.

One can almost hear Wing's dick stiffening. But Gattshall, who never met a TV watch that didn't make him shoot off like Peter North, has to take a sinister turn and start waxing rhapsodic over the Seagull movement:

The movement held within the Virtuoso’s smooth tungsten case design is the Seagull TY-802 Automatic Flying Tourbillon a grail level movement for those of us who will unlikely be afforded the opportunity to own a Swiss Made Tourbillon.

And offers this piece of Valuable Advice:

Over that last year or so the Chinese Tourbillon has been making some waves within the industry.

Well, no, Robert; the industry really doesn't give two shits about Seagull or their Chinese tourbillons, only the shut-ins and semi-retarded goofs who watch TV to combat their insomnia and can't afford Lunesta are making waves and terrible recurring charges on their already-stressed credit cards.

But of course Gatshall doesn't stop there, because, well, because he's a fucking retard. Naturally he has to address the dial:

The dial has been done in an amazing jade mother of pearl that captures so many different shades depending on the lighting. It is almost alive on your wrist and screams of high-end watch making.

It also screams Look at me, I'm an overweight jagoff who thinks I'm a bigshot because I've got me a TV Tourby!

But Gattshall doesn't rest there, because it wouldn't be a ball-tonguing review without:

There is an elegance to this timepiece that is unlike any other I have worn, including the 7750 version.

And of course it gets better:

The combination of the tungsten, the Tourbillon and the jade MOP is just so unique and gives off this aura of high-class and refinement.

As high-class as you can get while eating at Arby's--I'll take some extra horsey-sauce with that Arbique, my good man. But Robert Gatthsall being Robert Gattshall, he can't avoid telling a really, really fucking terrible joke, which he freely admits, as if this makes it all alright:

I almost pulled alongside of a limo and asked if they had any Grey Poupon! Sorry lame joke but I had to sneak it in there.

And naturally Gattshall can't wrap up a review without a strange, befuddling misspelling:

This is the ultimate dress watch with the size and presences on the wrist of a dive watch. It to me is the best of both worlds and overs almost any collector the chance to own a grail.

And:

I want to thank Wing Liang and the Android team for giving us this opportunity. Don’t forget to tune in on May 2nd for the release of this timepiece on ShopNBC. It can promise you it won’t last long.

Another grate ree-voo fromme a grate riter!
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Re: Eyal's Balls Are Not Enough! Now Robert Gattshall Moves His Tongue To Wing's Nutsack

Post by TemerityB » May 9th 2013, 5:45am

I still say there's no real difference between Gattshall and Phluff, though Eddie's sabbaticals only seem to prove he's got a real life out there somewhere - Gattshall, I'm not so sure. Great stuff, conj, as always. Good lord!
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Re: Eyal's Balls Are Not Enough! Now Robert Gattshall Moves His Tongue To Wing's Nutsack

Post by DoctorIvey » May 9th 2013, 6:14am

John, I'd like to belt you in the gut for insulting Mickey Spillane. I'd like to take your head and put it through a plate glass window and wipe the soles of my shoes on your bloody mug.
I'd like to, but I can't. I can't because deep in my bowels, deep in my feces-and-whisky-laden, stinking, festering bowels I suspect you're right: Spillane was a total fucking jerkoff who didn't know how to use commas. Or other punctuation marks. Plus, he was utterly, totally, and completely devoid of any humor, nuance, or ability to portray his hero as vulnerable. He got his start writing comics, and it showed.
This from his most famous work, "I, the Jury":

The negro tried to pull away so I smashed him again. The pad of my fist landing on that busted jaw was too much for him. He went out too. Bobo was still in his chair only now he was grinning again. "Gee, Mike, You're pretty tough. Wish I was like that."

You can count on Spillane to ejaculate gems such as "She had the kind of tits that made you want to squeeze them" or "She filled out a dress like ten pounds of potatoes fill out a five pound sack" or "I kissed her hard. Then I kissed her again. I'd kiss her lips until they stayed kissed." He was always writing about how irresistable women found him to be, and about how much tougher he was than all the other men in New York City. (New York City? What'd he do, wear his hat in the rain without getting it re-blocked?)

Plus, he had all the personality of a soap dish. Did you ever see him in Columbo? He was more wooden than your aforementioned Peter North. And he played Hammer himself in a major motion picture! (Note: he was marginally better than Stacy Keach.) Then he joined the Jehovah's Witnesses.

And like Wing and Eyal, he sold a lot of units. A lot of units. Like close to two hundred million. Sort of makes you sick, don't it?

I've since moved on to My Gun is Quick. It should have been named My Pen Spews Shit.
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Re: Eyal's Balls Are Not Enough! Now Robert Gattshall Moves His Tongue To Wing's Nutsack

Post by ChronoMATT » May 9th 2013, 6:19am

My Favorite line:
The dial has been done in an amazing jade mother of pearl that captures so many different shades depending on the lighting. It is almost alive on your wrist and screams of high-end watch making.

This presents Android as masquerading, low-end watch making. Wing's wang became flaccid again as he demanded his freebie watch back.
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Re: Eyal's Balls Are Not Enough! Now Robert Gattshall Moves His Tongue To Wing's Nutsack

Post by Horse Feathers » May 9th 2013, 6:36am

For WG's the only thing greater then a cheap Tourbillon with MOP was discovering the ability tor order a Double Filet-o-Fish

Image
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it doesn't affect functionality"

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Re: Eyal's Balls Are Not Enough! Now Robert Gattshall Moves His Tongue To Wing's Nutsack

Post by Watch Noob » May 9th 2013, 8:14am

conjurer wrote:

Well, no, Robert; the industry really doesn't give two shits about Seagull or their Chinese tourbillons, only the shut-ins and semi-retarded goofs who watch TV to combat their insomnia and can't afford Lunesta are making waves and terrible recurring charges on their already-stressed credit cards.



This was pure poetry John. I loffed my ballz off.
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Re: Eyal's Balls Are Not Enough! Now Robert Gattshall Moves His Tongue To Wing's Nutsack

Post by jason_recliner » May 9th 2013, 1:37pm

I used to respect Gattshall but now I can't take him seriously. He doesn't mention that Wing is a Master Watchmaker, not even once. What a joke. Shame on you, John, for promoting this drivel.
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Re: Eyal's Balls Are Not Enough! Now Robert Gattshall Moves His Tongue To Wing's Nutsack

Post by arubalou » May 9th 2013, 5:07pm

Watch Noob wrote:
conjurer wrote:

Well, no, Robert; the industry really doesn't give two shits about Seagull or their Chinese tourbillons, only the shut-ins and semi-retarded goofs who watch TV to combat their insomnia and can't afford Lunesta are making waves and terrible recurring charges on their already-stressed credit cards.



:)


This was pure poetry John. I loffed my ballz off.
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Re: Eyal's Balls Are Not Enough! Now Robert Gattshall Moves His Tongue To Wing's Nutsack

Post by Horse Feathers » May 9th 2013, 5:20pm

jason_recliner wrote:I used to respect Gattshall but now I can't take him seriously. He doesn't mention that Wing is a Master Watchmaker, not even once. What a joke. Shame on you, John, for promoting this drivel.


Pissed because he probably had to send the watch back

My favorite line, "This is the ultimate dress watch with the size and presences on the wrist of a dive watch"




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"I did lose a pusher pulling it out of the mug however
it doesn't affect functionality"

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Re: Eyal's Balls Are Not Enough! Now Robert Gattshall Moves His Tongue To Wing's Nutsack

Post by TemerityB » May 9th 2013, 6:28pm

Horse Feathers wrote:For WG's the only thing greater then a cheap Tourbillon with MOP was discovering the ability tor order a Double Filet-o-Fish

Image


(Clearing throat):




FITS SAMMICH!!!!!


Now that that is out of the way - god damn, Horse, that was a real joke. Wait, shoot - can something that's no doubt actually true still be considered a "joke"?

Life sure is funny. And man, is that double FOF purdy....

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Re: Eyal's Balls Are Not Enough! Now Robert Gattshall Moves His Tongue To Wing's Nutsack

Post by conjurer » May 9th 2013, 9:22pm

Thanks for the kind words, gents. I certainly enjoy breaking Mr. Gattshall's balls for him, mollywhopper that I am.

Interestingly, for a short period, Mr. Gattshall's Very Important Watch Reviews had showed some disconcerting signs of improvement; he had stopped using strange misspellings (overs instead of offers, and my personal favorite, flourish-ion for fruition.), he had ceased making up idiotic definitions for inappropriate words, and most appallingly, he had started to use commas.

However, he seems to have backslid into his old ways with this Wartch Ree-voo. Thank god that he did.
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Re: Eyal's Balls Are Not Enough! Now Robert Gattshall Moves His Tongue To Wing's Nutsack

Post by Hawk » May 10th 2013, 3:46am

catnap wrote:Thanx Conj Image
Is it common practice for Limo's in the US to be stocked with mustard btw?

It's a matter of percentages.

It is not likely that a US limo would be stocked with mustard.
It is, however, more likely to be stocked with mustard than Marmite.
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Re: Eyal's Balls Are Not Enough! Now Robert Gattshall Moves His Tongue To Wing's Nutsack

Post by Falstaff » May 10th 2013, 4:55am

catnap wrote:Thanx Conj Image
Is it common practice for Limo's in the US to be stocked with mustard btw?


In a hired car, no. In one's personal limousine however, the chauffeur (if part of the permanent staff) should be proactive in anticipating the owner's needs. I should think such essentials as condiments, ice, beverages, condoms, emergency rations of pate' and caviar and a well stocked humidor would be a part of the equipage of any proper motor-car.
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Re: Eyal's Balls Are Not Enough! Now Robert Gattshall Moves His Tongue To Wing's Nutsack

Post by catnap » May 10th 2013, 4:57am

Hawk wrote:
catnap wrote:Thanx Conj Image
Is it common practice for Limo's in the US to be stocked with mustard btw?

It's a matter of percentages.

It is not likely that a US limo would be stocked with mustard.
It is, however, more likely to be stocked with mustard than Marmite.

Marmite huh.You know I've often wondered what those pretentious shit heads get to eat in the back of those things.
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Re: Eyal's Balls Are Not Enough! Now Robert Gattshall Moves His Tongue To Wing's Nutsack

Post by conjurer » October 11th 2023, 5:35pm

jason_recliner wrote:
October 11th 2023, 4:30pm
Is time2talkwatches.com down for anybody else?
Mr. Gattshall's horrific blog is, alas, no more. He seems to have moved on to Ewe-Tube, where, with video, he wasn't limited by poor grammar and punctuation.
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Re: Eyal's Balls Are Not Enough! Now Robert Gattshall Moves His Tongue To Wing's Nutsack

Post by boscoe » October 13th 2023, 6:57am

Fer cryin' out loud!!!!
Wing is still making watches? I thought he went belly up when Bimbo Skeleton vanished. I used to drive past Android's "office" in Broward County, Florida. A petite (I'm being kind) concrete cracker box in need of new MOP whitewash.
The ree-voo of the ree-voo was better than the actual ree-voo.
As for Mickey's tripe, he has lotsa 'Splaining to do.
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